What a hell of a month or two...

Who would have thought that life could change so quickly?

One minute you are preparing for a holiday to New York and talking to your grandmother about how when you get back you'll have a drink with her and talk about the adventures. The next you are on a flight back from New York to say goodbye to the same grandmother. Life is quite full on sometimes.

So last month I was on holiday in New York. I had queued for the Alexander McQueen exhibition and finally got to view the amazing fashion of the late designer. Feeling invigorated I I had lunch in the sculpture garden in the MET and then spent the afternoon window shopping. Returning back to my friend's apartment I felt that I would give me parents a call and then call my grandmother. I called my parents and was greeted with a rather somber hello. Instantly I knew something was wrong. I was advised that my grandmother had passed away a few hours earlier that morning. How on earth was that possible? She was meant to be moving into a retirement village and I was going to go visit once I return. I really didn't think this was possible.

After speaking to my parents I knew I wanted to get home. So I called the insurance company, who couldn't get me out. I then called Qantas to try and find a flight home and discovered I missed the flight that day but they could get me out the following day at a HUGE cost. But I didn't care. I just wanted to get home.

The flight home was horrendous. Fine I might have been flying first and business class, but it didn't make things any better. All I wanted to do was be home with my family and try and get my head around what on earth was going on.

Saying a final goodbye is very hard but also a nice sense of closure. Being able to say thank you for the love and support is what I needed, but just wish it had been later in my life and could have had a few more days or weeks with her.

But who would have thought that saying goodbye would bring up a lot of memories about the past and the numerous difficulties that I experienced as a young gay man at high school.

Bullying is such a bitch and it takes years to overcome. It is a shame that it still takes place in high schools all around Australia. The older I become the more I discuss high school life with my gay friends and it seems that we all experienced the same things when young. I wonder if there will ever be a time when young gay men aren't tortured and tormented for being gay?? It would be nice to think that eventually people will be a little more tolerant towards the young gays and lesbians in school.

Anyway a hell of a month or two... maybe a little bit wiser, but definitely a little bit older and have a couple of new grey hairs to prove it!

One hell of a concert...

As the memories of last week quickly start to fade it is interesting to see what we remember from our childhood and also what prompts such memories.

When I was eleven my parents gave me my first cassette tape and it was Kylie Minogue with a walkman. I listened to the cassette every day. I loved the music. I had just started high school and was bullied every day for being gay... before I even knew what gay meant. Every afternoon when I got home from school I would put on my headphones and press play and try to forget about the horrendous day that had occurred. After a couple of months I had played the tape so many times that it started to warp. But thankfully my father copied the tape before the original broke. This happened many times before I evolved from Kylie to Madonna.

Earlier last week I attended a Kylie Minogue concert and don't ask me why but all the memories of her earlier music came flooding back. Yes the memories associated with the music were not all good, but the concert was such an amazing event that I quickly forgot about the past and enjoyed what was presented in front of me. It was such a great experience to be able to stand up along with my friends and dance the night away. It was one of those nights where at the end you walk away with a smile on your face as you had fun.

It is funny to think that even as a child I really enjoyed her music and how it went from Kylie to Madonna when I was a teenager. Even then my behaviour was stereotypical of a gay man but I didn't know it. But it is nice to think that I was able to find comfort in listening to music.

I do have to admit this wasn't my first Kylie concert and most definitely won't be my last but what I did really like was the enthusiasm of the crowd and how it was just a lot of fun.

32 and 3 weeks!

So I have turned 32! WOW... I remember being 21 and wondering what it would be like once I reached 32... honestly not that different. A little more gray hair in places, a little more experience under my belt and a couple more wrinkles that I cannot hide no matter how much cream I apply.  Wiser? Maybe. Worldly? I guess. Content and happy with life? Getting there!

Now that I am 32 and still single you would think that I would learn from previous mistakes in the dating world? The rules of one night stands, when to give out your number, what it really means when someone want to walk and talk and what they really mean when they ask how you are going in a text... why on earth can't it be simple and stop with the double meaning?!?!?!

Over the weekend I was invited to go to a gay fundraiser that involved watching male stripper... hello free alcohol, supporting the gay community and the chance to see a penis of a hot man, I was going to attend with bells on! Of course attending such an event of course I needed to have someone who can hold a conversation with anyone, fun and just as cheeky as me... there was one person I wanted to invite and thankfully after quite a lot of nagging she was free!

Saturday night I had to offer dinner before we went out so after a bottle of wine, roast meal we finally get ready and head over to this fundraiser event. We get in have a couple of drinks, chatted to some lovely people, a couple of sponsors and of course the hosts of the event. All in all it was a lot of fun and very civilised.

Then the strippers started... now some of these men we damn hot, while some I would have paid for them to keep there clothes on! But all in all it was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it. My cheeky friend and I decided to strike up a conversation with one of the strippers and gave him a drink... after a couple of cheeky remarks we decided to leave.

For two people in to their 30's we were ready to go have some fun and seeing we both hadn't been out and let our hair down for a while we decided we should go dancing. We tried to locate some friends at another bar but after stepping inside I was not in the mood to hang out in a straight bar. So we quickly made our way to a gay bar that played cheesy pop music.

Not in the mood to join the queue we walked straight up to the bouncer and advised that we were friends of one of the bartenders... I had seen this happen in a movie and it worked and believe it or not it worked this time too! Inside it was packed, hot and the we were greeted with ABBA on full blast.

After two hours of dancing, drinking and accidentally finding a couple of very good friends who were also out having fun we were approached by what looked like a straight man dancing away to the music. He started to dance with my female friend and became very chatty... I was thinking no matter were she goes she picks up and she was in a GAY BAR!!!

But after an hour it became quite obvious he was interested in me... nice feeling seeing at this point I was ready to go home to bed. So we danced some more... tried to chat, which is near impossible on the dance floor and he asked me for my number... sure why not!

After another hour or so of dancing I was feeling like a 90 year old with a stiff back, ringing in my ears and my feet were hurting, but looked fabulous in a pair of boots! So I decided to leave and had this new found friend in tow. There was no way I was in the mood for a one night stand... I am 32 and have had my fair share of one night stands... also I was a little tipsy and drunk sex is never good and was not in the mood to wake up with a hangover and have a strange man in my bed.

Walking up the road I decided I would talk to this guy and see what he is actually about, was there a spark? Not sure as I was in a alcoholic haze! It was almost 3am and I had been dancing for quite some time, I was tired and tipsy and a little chatty so I wanted to know more. I got to know a crucial piece of information that when he was drunk as he was that he tends to throw up, that sealed the deal and there was absolutely no way this guy was stepping foot into my apartment.

Trying to avoid the discussion that he might come around I said goodbye, gave him a kiss and told him that I would text him tomorrow. Which I did and got a text back asking me how I was and seeing that I am now 32 and no longer 21 I was really feeling my age. My legs were sore, I could barely stand straight but thankfully I am old enough to remember to drink water before bed to avoid a hangover, but importantly there was this very nice guy and to be honest I could barely remember his face... so I decided to text him lets meet up later in the week and catch up! Do you think I heard back... of course not! But then again I am 32 and not 21 in the mood of wasting my time with someone who only wants a one night stand. We'll see if I hear from him again...

Happily ever after...

So last week it was the royal wedding of Willy and Kate. I must say I do like the idea that the future king will be called Willy! But anyway the coverage of the wedding was crazy... 24 hour news broadcasts, the guessing of what people would wear, the possible food and flower on the day... the media really had a field day, but it was a lot of fun.

The day of the wedding I attended a party to watch the wedding and it was fun. We all dressed up, drank champers, watched the guests arrive and commented on the rather unfortunate hats of Beatrice and Eugene. What a huge circus... But it did make me wonder when will gay marriage be allowed and why am I not allowed to get married?? Well apart from the fact I don't have a boyfriend I would like to have the choice to get married. So watching this circus on TV I decided that a gay wedding would be similar to the royal wedding... a room full of queens and princesses except much better style and a little more sparkles!

Will gay marriage will every be allowed? I don't understand  why there is such opposition to allowing gay marriage. What will happen if gays and lesbians get married? The whole world as we know it isn't going to fall apart. If anything more money will be made from the lavish weddings on the similar scale as the royal wedding.

But what really annoyed me in recent weeks was the PM who came out to declare that she believed in what the Bible stated that marriage should only be between a man and a woman. For someone who publicly declared herself as an atheist why is she all of a sudden believing in the Bible? Has she suddenly changed her mind or trying to keep voters happy? Ahhh whatever I am not one to talk about politics but this did annoy me! My last comment on the PMs statement is if I cannot marry my gay boyfriend then our PM shouldn't be allowed to marry her gay boyfriend!

So back to the royal wedding... I do have to say my gaydar almost exploded a couple of times with appearances of certain individuals. Once when a brother was giving a speech and I did have to smile as during his speech I happened to google his sexuality and it was the second most searched thing on google.

The other time my gaydar went off was after the ceremony when a television network was interviewing the guests and they happened to interview an individual who firstly was wearing a little too much bronzer but he happened to gush about what people were wearing and how it was a lovely occasion and the wedding dress was stunning... I don't have a problem with gay or straight people but I do have a little bit of a problem with people who are obviously gay but pretend to be straight... come out already we are not going to bite... much!

I guess as I get older I am becoming a little more critical about these things that annoy me and a little more vocal about equality... great I am becoming a cranky old man. But one day I do hope that we all can live happily ever after... gay or straight!

Just add red wine...

So it is the Easter long weekend and time to do the trek up to spend the time with my family. But this year for Easter I had decided I would get my family to do a few things I like to do. Watch a couple of musical movies and hopefully get my parents to go to the gym... oh boy the later option has been near impossible to complete!

I arrived two days ago and boldly stated that I planned drag my parents to the gym... my mother laughed and gave me a glass of red wine and my father said he cannot work out too hard as he will have a heart attack!

Promptly forgetting the idea about the gym I proceeded to catch up with my family and it was during dinner that I remembered that I wanted to go to the gym the following day and mentioned it again to my parents. My mother topped up my wine glass and told me I was mad and my father then told me he had hurt his back and could only do some light exercise. Laughing at both of them I explained the exercise I had planned for both of them (me bossy who would have guessed?). My mother explained that she doesn't do exercise and only would go only if she could sit on a bike and that was it... she happened to mention she didn't plan to actually make the peddles move! I failed to notice that she filled my wine glass up again and of course I finished it without problem. Who knew it would be so difficult to get my parents to exercise.

Later that night and feeling slightly tipsy we were watching Victor/Victoria (yes playing the gay card got the move shown!) I was on my forth glass of wine and asked what time we planned to go to the gym. My mother with a sly smile said lets see how we feel in the morning. I think during the course of the film had an additional glass before bed and was well and truly enjoying the alcohol fueled buzz.

So waking from my drunken slumber I realised that I had a little bit of a hangover. Walking into the kitchen for breakfast my very clever mother knew that I was in absolute no mood for the gym and asked "what time are we going to the gym?" I replied that let's see how I feel later today. Of course there was no way I was going to go to the gym so my parents were off the hook!

The following day I woke hangover free and walked into the kitchen declaring to my parents that I wanted to go to the gym. Once again my mother whinged she didn't want to go and my father explained he had pulled some muscles in his leg. They explained that they would go but only after lunch.

During lunch my parents went to their wine collection and selected a great bottle of red to have with the meal. Of course once it was open we all had a glass and then finished off the bottle. But the problem with having wine with lunch is it makes you very sleepy in the afternoon. Realising I had two glasses of wine it would not be wise to go to the gym... explaining this to my mother she said "Yes we shouldn't work out after wine and I am not going to the gym if it is full of muscle men!"...

I think it was easier coming out to my parents than making them step foot in a gym!

Burnt finger...

So okay I have recently been doing some renovations on my apartment. Making my place feel like a home. I had a plethora of tradesman come through my apartment working on various elements to remove what was old and make it new again. Now in my twisted mind I was hoping that all the tradesmen would be hot... and let me assure you they were DEFINITELY not!

After having almost my entire apartment renovated I thought it was about time that I would do some of it myself, paint. Now how could I go wrong simply painting the walls. It is an easy task, simply pick the colour, buy a paint brush and cover the walls.

Well that is the first problem picking the colour! I knew I wanted white walls for my bathroom. But I didn't realise there are about a hundred different shades of white. Some requiring under coats, some requiring staining and all requiring preparation of the wall. Now what is this preparation of the walls? Apparently it was wiping down the walls with sugar soap! Wow you learn something new everyday... soap for walls... who knew?!

White paint, sugar soap and brushes bought I headed back to my apartment to set about painting my horrible Homer Simpson yellow walls, Ice White. Shouldn't take too long or be life threatening right? Wrong! While washing the walls I noticed a bump in the walls and proceeded to sand it. Upon sanding it I noticed I exposed some copper wires. Not knowing what these wires were I went up for a closer inspection and touched them... my stomach cramped up as it felt that I had been kicked. I moved away and the tingling sensation slowly dissipated. I just gave myself one mighty shock and oh boy it didn't feel good! So deciding I should take a break. I called an electrician to come over and remove the exposed wire. Great this couldn't be done until Monday. But I was determined to paint this bathroom even if it was going to kill me!

Ladder set up, walls washed, area around exposed wire being avoided like the plague! Now lets get this wall painted... shouldn't take longer than an hour. So I thought. First coat of paint took longer than three hours and going up and down the ladder was exhausting. There was absolutely no way I was going to finish this bathroom in one day!

Day two my legs ached, my butt ached, my back ached and my finger was burnt from where I touched the live wire. But I was determined to get this damn bathroom done! But up that ladder I went to do the second coat of paint... and oh boy were these fumes starting to get to me!

Three hours later the bathroom was finished, I was walking around the apartment like a little old lady, my back was sore, my hand ached, my head was spinning and I still had my damn burnt finger... but my bathroom was done!

Who knew that this gay man who takes four days to assemble an Ikea bookcase that is slightly bent and does not resemble the picture on the box could paint a bathroom... and almost kill himself in the process!

The electrician removed the wire on Monday... and oh boy was he hot! But I didn't have sex with him like in the movies!

Staying Positive

The gay community have really had it hard. Being treated differently to the rest of society, not being recognised or accepted, continual humiliation and insult and not to mention the constant stereotyping. So sometimes it can just get a little hard and tough to keep positive...

For a group of individuals who are still trying to define themselves and find a place in general community, the support they show for one another at times can be varying. With great pride they raise the flag and show their compassion at Mardi Gras. But once the flag has been lowered and the outfits packed away you are able to see what the real community resembles and sometimes it is great but other times you can see there are people who are still dealing with the affects of the disrespect experienced living as a gay or lesbian in the greater community.

As a gay man there sure have been times where it has been tough, really tough. I was bullied at high school for being gay, I have been the victim of homophobic attacks in the street, I have heard negative stereotyping of gays and lesbians by individuals, experienced total disrespect in the workplace for being gay and even received negative opinion from friends and family. But I still keep positive that I can make a difference.

For some people I can see why this would become too much. Having to continually fight against what is wrong and hope that eventually it should get better, it all can become a little hard to believe. After such a hard and continual struggle some individuals do start to take a stance of self preservation and try to distance themselves from the general gay community, as they don't want to be seen as any of the negative stereotypes, myself included. For a while I didn't want to be seen as a member of the gay community as I too thought it was a bunch of dirty perverts as that was the stereotype. Fine I don't see myself as a dirty pervert and being gay definitely doesn't mean I am, but I am a gay man who does want to be treated equally. So by aligning myself with the gay community I can hopefully achieve the equal rights that I deserve. 

Stereotyping is really quite hard for the gay community as you are having to breakdown perceived barrier. For me I definitely stereotype and as a gay man it is rather strange that I do so seeing that I have to continually fight against the stereotypes that are placed on me.

Sometimes it can just get all too hard and you want to curl up into a ball and wish things could be different. Why was I born gay? Why am I not treated equally as everyone else? Why do I have to continually stand up for myself? But at the end of the day these things do not really get me down. It just bothers me from time to time that things are different but I do believe that with times things will change and for the better. For the time being what I do is to stay positive and hope that things would eventually get better.

Making a difference...

With the recent passing on Elizabeth Taylor it really made me sit down and think. For someone who was really famous for her acting, looks and love of diamonds it surprised me that she became a determined advocate for HIV/AIDS and the gay cause. She had already made a name for herself and then she changed direction by raising awareness about the disease but also gay rights became the focus for the last remaining years of her life... almost 25 years of hard determined work.

So this makes me ask with life do we really just want to work for money or make a difference?

For a long time my focus in life as been toward making money, buying an apartment, living the lifestyle that is deemed appropriate by the media and buy everything I need and quite often don't want.

So is this what I really want? Now that I have the apartment, a good career, a car, various objects and designer things... is this as good as it gets? The answer is no. Really at the end of the day these things do not make a huge statement for me. What would give me more meaning and a sense of fulfilment  would be that I have been able to achieve make a real difference in someone's life in a positive way. But how and where can I do this???

Being a gay man isn't easy. There is the personal question of ones sexuality that you become aware and question at a very early age. The continual bullying and harassment while at high school does not make things any easier if anything a lot worse. The affects of this torment you have to deal with afterwards as well as coming out to your loved ones. Then finally accepting your sexuality and trying to find and define yourself as a person. Not to mention trying to find a partner, maintain a career and deal with all the other aspects of every day life.

So how would I like to make a difference? Well this is a hard question that I am not sure I can immediately answer without sounding conceited. I guess one thing that would have made a little difference in my life earlier on would have been that life does get easier as a gay man. It isn't always going to be this difficult and hard. The hardest part is coming to terms with your sexuality and sure with the bullying at high school it doesn't make it easy. But once you get through all of this and living your life as an proud gay man things start to change. It does get better!

Who knew...

So as I get older and a lot of what used to be my single friends start to become couples I find myself more often than not wishing that occasionally my life would revert to what it was previously like... when we were all young and single. Well that is not going to happen so sometimes I find myself at night online with the mandatory glass of wine chatting to various gay men.

I have been chatting online long before I was even openly gay... so we are talking many many many years. Over this time I have met some really nice people that have become friends and others that I have promptly forgotten. So as I get to know and meet more and more of these people I become accustomed to the fact that more often than not either they will become a friend, be after a little bit of fun or simply a forgettable face.

Over the weekend I met up with what can only be described as a breath of fresh air. This is not going to develop into anything more than maybe friendship but it was nice to simply meet up with someone who made me laugh, enjoyed some of the same things I enjoy but also wanted to take me out to have fun. Have I become a little jaded and bitter through my bad relationship and dating experiences???

It was just a lot of fun. I didn't expect anything and to be honest know this is not going to develop into anything more... but it was just fun to know there are people out there that can make you laugh and hold a conversation and know that there is a world out there to be explored.

Of course being a gay man there is the fact that we ALWAYS have sex first... and then get to know one another. And of course this was the case, but hanging out with him for two days afterwards was just fun. Will I see him again... probably not as he was on vacation. But it restored my faith in the gay community that there are some real people out there!!

I look forward to my next adventure!

Why to blog...

Well after spending a day with some friends it dawned on me that life as a gay man doesn't sometimes come across as positive as it should or what life is really like. So today I decided to write it was like to live as a gay man in Sydney.

At the ripe old age of 31 (that is about 421 years in gay years!) I have experienced quite a lot in the gay scene and learning every day. Who knew it would be such an interesting journey! And that is what I plan to write about.

When I was 23 I finally come out to my family and well it didn't surprise anyone! 2 serious relationships and too many dates later I never thought being gay would introduce me to so many varying people. Were the experiences positive?... in retrospect some were and some weren't but it has made me who I am and I don't regret it at all. So with these experiences under my belt and many more to come along the way these will be discussed weekly... well that is the aim.

After I came out there was no one I really could read or hear about who had any positive experiences about being openly gay. Well there wasn't really a gay role model I could refer to and see as some sort of guidance. So for the last 8 years I have been living and learning the numerous nuances of the gay community and hopefully for anyone deciding to come out this will give them a idea of what to expect and hopefully put it in a positive light.

With my blog I will write about my weekly experiences in the hope that for a gay man out there reading this blog (hopefully) it will give them an idea (some good and some bad) of what it is like to be a Gay in the City!

Happy reading...